three years of self discovery
I been reflecting on all the twists and turns of the last three years. And so I figured I’d take a look at my journals from that time:
21 June 2019 – 12:03
this environment is not healthy for me
but I must be grateful for it
in that it is a stepping stone to the next chapter
and even now this feeling is here
to motivate me to get on with my life
to stop being afraid and to take the leap
to go after my dream life
What’s crazy is that so much of the energy back then and right now is the same. Unhappy in my current circumstance. Struggling to find a mixture of acceptance of the present moment and motivation to move forward and take a risk.
A desire to be more creative. A desire to move to a new city. A refocus on leveling up the environments I step into. Raising my standard. And so on the surface, it would seem not much has happened in three years, considering all those things are still true today.
What I didn’t know, is that before I could step into the pursuit of my desired life, there was more exploring to do. Finding clarity on what my desired life actually is. What it really means to be an artist, and how I really want to express myself.
Also, more than just the clarity, was the housekeeping that needed to be done — and is still being done. Resolving and fully processing my past experiences as opposed to running away from them. Finding peace and harmony with all the different parts of myself.
Giving myself permission to have needs. Giving myself permission to have desires. Satisfying my wanderlust. Realizing the importance of community, connection, and belonging.
This has been my journey over the past three years.
29 June 2019 – 16:52
Second day in a row spent mainly in bed
I realized a big part of the reason was
procrastinating on buying plane tickets to Bali
so I finally got that done
feel a lot better now
gotta do that more
once I realize I’m avoiding something
get it done immediately
that’s a sign my awareness has truly risen
Okay let’s provide some context for what ended up happening after I decided to leave LA for Bali. Having been working at a job I hated for a couple years, being unemployed alone in an island bungalow on the other side of the world was exactly what I needed.
Solo traveling to Asia and experiencing a brand new energy was something I had always wanted to do — and it was great. Tons of yoga, good eating, massage, and photography adventures. At the same time, I experienced a lot of social anxiety, being alone in a new country, feeling like an outsider.
And so after 7 weeks in Bali, and then coming back to the U.S. for one of my best friend’s weddings, and then crossing off another bucket list item — Dia de Los Muertos in Mexico City — I had finally satisfied my wanderlust. And realized that solo traveling was not providing the fulfillment and connection I was truly craving.
By Thanksgiving 2019, I was back in Los Angeles, working a tech job, and plotting my next moves. That chapter lasted a few months, and it wasn’t until the lockdown of March 2020, that I finally got some motivation to leave Los Angeles again.
The global pandemic hit all of us differently, but for me it revealed how important human connection is for me. In mental desperation, I moved out of my lonely apartment in Los Angeles and stayed a few weeks with my aunt in the Bay Area California.
Then was called to find healing with Mother Nature, and so I went on a summer road trip with a close friend through the Four Corners region of the U.S. — among others, we visited Santa Fe, Park City, Moab, and Sedona.
This time was truly transformative; my buddy Mezz was on a similar self discovery phase of his life, so our energies and mindsets complimented each other very well. I experienced a roommate dynamic I had never experienced before, and also gained clarity on the life I envision for myself.
So then, with a clear intention of finding the city I am going to live in during this new chapter, I began solo traveling again around the U.S. — New Orleans in Autumn 2020 and Austin in Winter 2020.
Then, out of nowhere, an opportunity to live in Brooklyn NYC fell into my lap. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was about to find my favorite place in the world.
05 Feb 2021 – 11:00
more and more there are moments. moments that feel so perfectly aligned.
meant to be. right place right time. sometimes I get an idea, and I wonder how it will manifest. what will come of it. will I make anything of it. or will it fizzle away like so many others.
the more it happens the more I realize I don’t have control. I’m just watching, observing, noticing. what is there really to worry about? what is there really to control? what can I control?
at the level of the ego, I think nothing. although that’s all it wants. but I think ultimately my ego’s job is to just watch, surrender all control. while in the background, the energy and vibe I hold is what controls all things.
so I guess my job is to hold good energy. that’s the ego’s role, to do whatever holds good energy. focus on that, nothing else.
Now looking back, I realize that there was a part of me that always wanted to live in NYC. What stopped me was the beliefs and perceptions I had picked up from people around me.
New York City’s cost of living is too expensive. The people there are rude. The energy is too crazy and intense.
Turns out, after actually experiencing the city first hand, I enjoy all of these aspects of the city. Yes, the cost of living is very high. But the city also provides endless opportunity to generate money. The goal is to rise to the challenge of generating as much as I’m spending.
I find the rudeness to be more like directness. A straightforward style of communication as opposed to the nice but fake style of communication that is common in Los Angeles.
Yes, the energy can be intense at times. Often I’d describe it as over-stimulating and draining. But I also find it energizing and exciting. It can ignite the fire inside me and drive my own energy.
The first six months in NYC were mainly positive. In my career and health, I was in a solid place, and so my experience reflected that stability. However, after moving from Brooklyn Heights to Upper East Side, I experienced the dark side of NYC.
Loneliness, financial stress, and feelings of unworthiness began to arise. NYC in general is a pressure cooker. If there are holes in your psychological ship, they will be revealed to you. And that’s what happened for me.
Fast forward a couple of months in survival mode in NYC, I found myself in need of the safety of my family home. As much as I know that The City That Never Sleeps is where the next chapter of my life will take place, I also know I must first prioritize my mental/emotional health and nutritional well being, so that I have a strong foundation for what I’m building over the next decade.
28 Jun 2022 – 23:02
reading thru all those journals from three years ago, and knowing how it all played out, it’s clear that I knew for some time what I wanted to do. but then I question, I doubt, and I try to predict whether the action is right or not.
this is all learned behavior. a disconnection from self. a distrust in my internal guidance.
it’s a pattern of over self analysis bcos of a belief in right or wrong, as if it’s possible to make a wrong decision. bcos in childhood, there were wrong decisions.
now there are none.
and therefore, now, I can literally act on every intuitive urge without hesitation. if I choose to. bcos I’ve already decided there’s no right or wrong. I’ve already decided I do not insist on any particular outcome, and so all outcomes are welcome. I’ve already decided radical self compassion is above all else.
so what am I even afraid of? when I’m debating in my head whether or not to do something? how do I rewire these patterns?
I came home for the safety. Being with people that can help support my physical needs: food, water, and shelter. Which gives me an opportunity to improve my ability to fulfill my emotional needs:
acceptance, attention, autonomy, affection, appreciation, connection.
I did not get these needs met consistently in childhood, and that pattern perpetuates to the present day. A part of me feels unworthy of these needs. But I am learning a new way.
When radical self compassion is the number one priority, providing myself the needs of acceptance, attention, autonomy, affection, appreciation, and connection come naturally. There are no wrong decisions because I am committed to fulfilling these needs no matter the outcome.
And so there is nothing to fear.
And yet the patterns still exist. Because they exist in the subconscious mind, in the nervous system, and thus in my behavior. And so the remedy is somatic release, intuitive expression, and aligned action.
I’ll speak more on these remedies in another blog post. For now, I’ll end with this final journal entry from a couple nights ago.
29 Jun 2022 – 23:16
three years ago, the answer to all my problems, was to simply give myself permission to, and then follow through with, that thing I had been wanting to do forever.
what is that this time around? what am I not giving myself permission to do? where am I hesitating, doubting, and over self analyzing?
I will need to sit with these questions for a bit. but I guess I’ll check in again in three years and let you know how it all turns out.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you so much for your time and energy.
If you found value in my perspective or want to follow my journey more closely, I also make TikTok videos @kyrotechnics.
Blessings & gratitude,
Ky
p.s. Here’s a blog post about my time in Bali:
