To The Women Who Made Me

Thank you.

To my mother; thank you for birthing me into this world. To my grandmothers; thank you for the blood, sweat, and tears you spent moving to this country to create a better life for our family. To every woman who watched over me as a child; for a weekend or a night or a couple hours, thank you for keeping me safe.

To every woman who has cooked a meal for me, thank you. The nourishment you prepared for me lives in my cells today. As does the culture of my ancestors and the generations of mothers before me, embedded into my DNA.

To every woman I have worked with, thank you for showing me hard work, perseverance, and grit. To every woman who has listened to me and felt me emotionally, thank you for receiving my vulnerability.

Thank you thank you thank you. I am doing my best to make you proud. I am doing my best to do something great with the gifts you have given me.

And now that we have anchored ourselves in gratitude, I’d like to share the story of my day yesterday, which was a microcosm of my life right now, and a little taste of the fruits of all that love you have poured into me.

A bit of context: Yesterday was Mother’s Day 2021. I’m currently living in my friend Angelica’s apartment in Brooklyn, New York, since December. Special thank you to Angelica for sharing your space with me, my time here has truly been a blessing and a life changing experience.

I started my day by calling my mom during my morning walk to pick up groceries . Two hours of talking creativity, business, and social media, I was reminded of the source of my unwavering belief that I will achieve something great in this lifetime.

Then I called one of my best friends Léa, who is a mother and overall a beautiful embodiment of unconditional love. Her ability to hold emotional space for me immediately brought up my own feelings of guilt. Guilt that I am not with her (in Los Angeles) to celebrate her today. Guilt that I’m not with my mom to celebrate her today. Guilt that I’m not with my grandma’s to celebrate them today.

I immediately hung up the phone. The emotion overcame me, and I fell back into old coping mechanisms. Run away, close up, hide in bed, consume distraction. But then I recognized it. I awoke into awareness. And then utilized some of the tools I’ve been learning recently.

I jumped into a hot shower. Put my attention into my body. Found the emotional pain in my chest, the pain in my heart. I felt it fully. I cried. I yelled. I sobbed. I exhaled what no longer serves me. I connected to the power of my breath.

Then I put the shower to cold. I found my center and stillness. I grounded myself in my truth — I’m doing the best I can. I cannot fill from an empty cup. I must take care of myself in order to take care of others.

I let go of the guilt and shame and obligation. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for helping me find myself. Thank you for reconnecting me with myself. I love you. But you are an emotion I no longer need to carry.

After the shower I went through my self care routine. Moisturized my skin, while speaking gratitude to my body. Thank you for allowing me to move through this world. Thank you for allowing me to feel and experience life.

I chose my outfit and jewelry for the day. I looked at the mirror and practiced finding the beauty in myself. Look at that beautiful King!

Then I burned some incense, and sat in stillness and silence. I pulled a few tarot cards, asking my ancestors to guide me through the day.

I took a step back and appreciated my life right now. The fact that what I am living now was once a dream. Writing and podcasting and dancing and exploring in New York City.

I left my apartment with no destination in mind, just listing to my intuition. The first subway station I went to was under construction, so I walked to the next one. That’s been my mindset in life lately.

I have direction, but no destination. I seek fulfillment in what I spend my time doing and who I spend my time with, as much as possible in every moment. I take incremental directed steps forward, while being open to alternative routes and unpaved pathways.

I took some photos around New York City. I felt the cold rain on my skin. I gazed awestruck at the reflective dance between the lights and the wet streets. I felt a change in my relationship to rain. As an Angeleno I avoided the inconvenience of going out in the rain. As a New Yorker I enjoy the full spectrum experience of having four distinct seasons.

My friend and tattoo artist Lucas texted me, asking if I was available to continue working on the tattoo we are co-creating together. I took a train to Williamsburg to meet him, grabbing a slice of pizza and a couple of garlic knots on the way over.

The tattoo session was beautiful and really integrated the motherly energy I was feeling throughout the whole day. I’ll save photos and the full story of the tattoo for another blog post. For now, I will leave you with a final Thank You, for giving my writing your time and attention.

If you enjoy my writing, you might also enjoy my talking! Mind Tasting is also a podcast; search “Mind Tasting” on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or any other podcast platform.

Connect on Twitter & Instagram — @kyrotechnics.

Blessings & Gratitude,
Ky